blog

Short circuitry

Wed, 08 Sep 2010 23:41:46 +0100

There is simply no way for me to write this post without trying to deconstruct some things with the aim of sincerity that will make sense and go beyond the standardized “I am sorry” – I feel like I’ve injured beyond that and while for some I cannot offer relief – at least I can try to write something for those who deal with stuff by transcending the shock and learning the back story instead of slamming the door shut forever and without question. I am very aware of emotional grief some people might feel due to my use and display of Nazi symbols in my most recently exhibited build titled “Second Life – Frei Arbeit Macht Frei.” (Second Life – Free work will set you free.)

I am also aware of the shock and disgust people may feel towards me, and I will not complain about that, your reasons make sense to me and I accept them as such. To set a toe into overkill : I am also aware that you and your feelings need no validation and acceptance from me, but there’s no way I’ll crouch down, pussy up and hide in fear what you may say to me now that what’s done is done. I cannot change anything – keep that in mind. And it is certainly not the first, nor the last time I fucked something up. So that’s that. On to elaborate explanation (which should be written before an attempt of an apology) -

I react very aggressively to things that displease/hurt/irritate me. I am aware that my reactionary mechanisms aren’t something that goes to my advantage nor do they produce anything constructive most the time. Very rarely I can channel it and turn it around into something positive. This is a part of my makeup and I have to live with that. Sometimes they slip out and my ego lets them. You know….ego….that’s stuff that tells you “let’s burn the bitch, she deserves it”... (when in reality you don’t want to burn anyone – that’s what crazy people do).

Obviously, yesterday and today the gate to push out my frustration was open so I did. I did not filter nor refine things before I invited people to see it in a form of a build. What I did was – I wrapped my frustrations up in the most disgusting wrapper I could think of – the utter shame on humanity – the concentration camp scene where Linden Lab is the exterminator of community, and it’s time for Emerald effort (not people behind it) to be let into smoke. I translated how I felt into something in the outside world. What I did not realize at the time was that by using the symbolism I’ve amplified it to a degree that’s overbearing to majority of people. I also don’t feel like anyone holds particular entitlement to use such scenery. I am not Jewish, and just because I am not – it doesn’t mean I think or feel of the Holocaust as “just another historical event”. Having had a grandparent with a story such as Holocaust survival is not at all something I could deliberately degrade in any way. Some of you know, some of you don’t – I grew up in Croatia during the war and I’ve seen massacred people on TV every night before bed instead of cartoons and I’ve ran to the shelter under threat of bombs and I went to school every day with my mother saying “Don’t go this way – they think there is a sniper in that area.” I wouldn’t take this as a competition of who has more right to be victimized by my disgusting objectification of the sentiments I have towards Linden Labs way of handling Emerald and other community projects I did not objectify with this exhibit – as I simply had no time to build that before I felt I needed to push the “notify people to come see this shit” button.

I look at the Holocaust and embrace it as great misfortune that happened to ALL humanity. And when I say humanity, I don’t mean a number of people present on Earth as individuals, I mean the human consciousness as state of being we all share and have been aiming to tune up and sync since the beginning of our fucked up species. (Of course, with the exception of those who really think that we are all separate and unique to the degree they can put themselves as measure of what ‘normal’ is or should be…you know….people who create Holocausts around the world in one way or another every day.)

Was it a mistake on my part? I see it as a mistake for a few reasons. Firstly and most importantly – I’ve afforded unbelievable stress to my friend Laurence and other people I am currently unaware of….I’ve teleported people into a shock setup on a quiet Tuesday night. Yeah. That’s what I regret. I should have warned them first with a statement describing my sentiments, the way I’ve processed them and how I’ve amplified the representation using symbols that everyone can relate to and is familiar with, and I should have left them with a choice of whether they want to be shocked and disgusted before they go to sleep or they’d prefer to not see it at all. I should have given myself some time to think it over versus just blurting it out like that. Lesson learned. Next time I’ll make sure I lay the responsibility on spectators’ curiosity level.

“Some symbols are not to be dug up.”

My subconscious impulses that drive me to create stuff in the first place probably did not even reach the scenery taken from war in my country – not because I deliberately and consciously exploited the Holocaust but because the Holocaust itself is even more so carved into the back of my head than the bit of the war I’ve lived and witnessed first hand. That’s really strange and some Croatian nationalists could argue it’s fucked up, but that’s just the way it is stored on my hard drive. Repressed? Maybe….either way…matters not – you get the point.

Ban?

Yes I got banned from SL for an hour. I violated the policy by using Nazi symbols pinned on me as intolerance. This is my first offense.

Using Nazi symbolism is not always intolerance, and most CERATINLY not intolerance in this particular case I can guarantee you that. Bad art and poor taste at best. So, I hope you will accept my sincerest apology for causing your grief – and I do apologize, and I do feel shitty for having assumed that my setup would make apparent sense to anyone.

Back?

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 06:23:33 +0100

I relapsed big time and logged in, build some stuff, had my creative jerkoff. Plenty of people are/were kind and I am grateful for that.

RL?

RL is quite of a strange thing. It has ups and downs. I just started a new job where I am taking care of a beautiful lady who survived a stroke at 40. I figured my social quirkiness, goofiness and creativity may contribute something to someone alive...It's something I've realized I had been missing since my husband died. Good thing I can fold t-shirts and spell since this lady is quite educated and needs me to type email for her as she had lost most of her left side of the body function.

My hands are now hers. It's much more rewarding than Second Life in many ways. Again, speaking of Second Life....am I back? I don't know....I logged in and made some stuff. I am not subscribing myself to anything anymore.

Human Supremacy

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 05:39:03 +0100

I was taken to a shopping place that had actual taxidermied animals as decor. The "Great American Hunting Tradition" store where human males and females with great balls (whether figurative or actual) go to satiate their subconscious need to feel potent and in charge of something and spend money on inventory which is 95% made of plastic and is for one time use. (*big self satisfying grin*)

I was taken in there and felt utmost disgust for the fact that there is actually a whole cultural identity connected to our skill to murder an animal for the sake of decor. Man want, man take, man destroy.

The only other moment I can compare with feeling of being inside this shopping place is the moment when I was a young teen and my mother dragged me to her seamstress studio in order to revamp her real fox fur coat. I remember watching her explain what she wanted when a light switch came on in my head and I realized there was absolutely no other need for mother to have a fox fur coat other than to identify herself with whatever imaginary class-of-human she was convinced this dead animal fur would assign to her. She had plenty of nice woolen coats to keep warm and stay fashionable. What was with this? To her defense, though, the coat was 3rd generation and she was probably given this thing by her mother and could not say 'no'. Anyway- watching my mothers eyes as she was trying to create beauty symbol out of what has flipped to be a symbol of savagery to me- and I couldn't stop myself from running outside to the parking lot to cry and vomit. As I tell this story, I have real Australian sheep skin boots on my feet and they are keeping me warm. So please don't feel alone in this criticism. I acknowledge my share of guilt.

I can say wearing clothes made out of animal skin is somewhat justified. Not a happy thought - but canvas sneakers in Wisconsin winter just would not cut it. Eating soybeans for protein instead of meat, same thing - I'd go crazy. But for f*** sake - taxidermy? Hanging a dead deer head on your wall to make decor?

Building a social identity around the cowardice of modern human super-technological ways of affordable, available, pre-packaged "assemble your inner hunter in our MART for a quick killing start"? In 2010?

Taxidermy your damn grandma and decorate your wall with her!

Needless to say - the shoppers in that place could not command their kids that were there, less a hunting dog, nor could they run after any of the murdered animals on display.

To top it off, a friend of mine said that animals are not to be pitied because "they are too dumb to move out of our way" and "animals don' t have free will"....

Shame Shame Shame Shame......

The Cult I am in.....

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:49:38 +0100

This is somewhat of a continuation of the previous blog post. So, read back if you haven't read it - this blog will make more sense.
So, upon returning from the xmas dinner - my roommate and I had a discussion in the car about how people center their traditions around bad food which evolved into both of us reminding ourselves and each other about how we would like to trim down a bit. Now- my roommate is in an excellent shape and decent health except that he has put on perhaps some 10 pounds which conveniently placed themselves in his mid section. I, on the other hand, have some 30 pounds over at least, evenly spread (thanks heavens for that...).
About two months ago I have made a decision to do *something* about this and I have been trying to change some stuff in my diet. I suppose the fact I left my gall bladder in a hospital in Croatia - I figured that would be a nice milestone so I somewhat combined my suggested post-operative diet with this decision. This is about the same time my elementary school desk-mate appeared again in my life after some 18 years (for those of you who believe everything must have a reason) and he got me to try Herbalife Products (which he himself eats, feeds his daughters with and distributes for living).
I resisted at first because when someone mentions 'diet' to me, I usually get so enraged I could eat a gallon of ice cream just to prove to them I don't have to be on any f* diet. I am not sure how that proof stands, but it surely works for my own ego which not only is the part of me that chooses to do this in the first place - but also dunks my nose right into it when I have those lovely arguments with myself in my head; the ego always readily says 'you want to be successful? look at yourself, you cannot even put a spoon down! etc etc.... (everyone has arguments like those with themselves and unfortunately most people identify the voice of that ego to be *who* they are - which is ...well....unfortunate however - very easy.)
Herbalife worked for me and I decided to keep taking various products. The key factor for me was they tasted good.
Some immediate changes that happened the first week after replacing breakfast and afternoon snack with Herbalife was - I did not crash after having a meal...no need to nap at all (meaning balanced blood sugar level.) I was actually for the first time in my adult life thirsty for water! (habitually, I would just give myself another kick in the kidneys with another can of orange soda which is an excellent source of chemically formulated quenched thirst feeling for "intellectuals" (including myself here) who don't give a split thought about the science of human body and regard tingly taste buds to be the point of ingesting something. Finally, I've experienced a major thing that first week - and that was loads of energy which was unlike that energy of starting something new and being puppy-excited about it - I am talking energy that feels right, has a base somewhere and doesn't feel jittery, emotional, but rather just feels somehow right and there is nothing else more to it. As if ego just STFU and did not have anything to say to talk me out of this food choice, while my body felt relieved getting all this good stuff for once. That was enough for me right there, the very selling point.
So I told a few friends about this discovery and my enthusiasm about it - including my roommate. He said "I am happy for you." And I said "Thanks!"

Since I started using these products I have had some friends who excitedly asked me to tell them about my experience with Herbalife, some who gave it a shot as well and have plenty of success with it already - even more then I, some who just nodded and giggled at me talking about something I felt particularly excited about (when I shed the first 5 pounds off I was so excited I raved about it all over!), and some who simply bite their lip and don't say anything.

Back to the ride home from xmas dinner....
After telling my roomate on several occasions about how physically great I feel after I eat my Herbalife breakfast and offering him a sip of the chocolate milkshake (now WHO doesn't like chocolate milkshake?!) I began to notice his negative attitude towards the whole thing. Up to the point of this car ride, he ever said anything bad about it, however he's never said anything good about it either which is understandable because he has not tried it. I don't particularly understand why my roommate doesn't want to taste some milkshake I make every day, or at least I did not understand it until this point.
In the car, after he made a statement about his dissatisfaction with his recently accumulated extra pounds - I just flat out asked him "So, why don't you ever want to taste Herbalife when I make it for myself?". Please note I did not tell him You should lose weight using Herbalife or something that would make him feel cornered. And I got my response:

"Because it is a CULT!"

Talk about a wet rag over the face feeling. I paused in disbelief. We did not discuss this statement much further, so I can only work from what I call my reasoning based on assumption.

I doubt that he meant to say I am being brainwashed into an organization that exclusively follows a system of common belief rather he might have meant I am "following an interest with exaggerated zeal". But it still rubs me wrong and feels like a wet rag over the face because I did not expect anyone to make a decision to believe my enthusiasm comes out of a cult mindset, especially not from someone who loves to take pride in being old enough, wise enough and self actualized enough.
Now I feel like something I feel excited about is - not welcome, furthermore, it is considered exaggerated and then it dawned on me - my roommate doesn't want to taste the chocolate milkshake NOT because he suspects it tastes bad, NOT because he doubts the nutritional value and NOT because he believes he couldn't use it - but rather...out of a PRINCIPLE. From this point on, my reasoning keeps dragging me into this inner dialogue:

- Principle of what?
Proving a point.
-What point?
That one knows something better.
-What's the point of that?
It puts other people seemingly 'in their place'.
-What's the point of that?
It makes the hamburger cult members feel good.

Wait. Hamburger cult members? rofl
This is how my mind squirts stuff at the poor unsuspecting me. It took me about 3 days to figure out what the hell my mind meant by bringing up 'hamburger cult'. The first observation I made was that my ego is whimpering in the corner for being called a cult member. It made me laugh. The second observation was the need to think of something that would make me remain comfortable for being called a cult member, now that I've realized I'd get placed like that even by the closest of friends.

Hamburger cult. Nobody I know would be offended or in any way emotionally injured if I insisted on them having a bite out of a greasy burger from my favorite burger joint. Nobody I know would give a split thought about having me treat them dinner at some fast food place if they were hungry enough. No friend of mine who has extra weight just like I do (about 80% of my friends admit they are overweight with at least 5 who are already somewhat/plenty ill from being morbidly obese) would come back at me bringing them cake with "You assumed I'd like cake...because...you think I am fat and fat people must eat cake?"...
Why is it so, than, that if I offer something I like which happens to be more than just 'tastes good' - all the sudden there comes the principle of NO! and feelings of being hurt because of assumed implications that only people who are 'not good enough' and thus 'need to be fixed' should eat stuff that is healthy - if not all the time, than at least whenever they can afford to make a conscious choice to do so. There's only one conclusion, and again, I derive this one from self-examination. Ego. I used to be the person who would pass the dairy isle at the store, see 'fat free' sour cream and reach for FULL FAT sour cream - while inside of my head my ego would thrive over self reinforced delusion that somehow I hold higher ground for consciously making a poor choice because the 'fat free' mixed with my feelings of self has been marketed to me ad nauseam.
(Who knows, perhaps the fat free marketing serves to sell full fat products as well. )

But, don't get me wrong. I am not a person who discovered the only righteous path, nor is the cult of Herbalife the magic key to the gates of heaven on earth. Not by a long shot. While I now completely avoid the dairy isle and I am about 80% off of sugar, I still smoke and have relapses in bad food habits. But - I watch it all with a pair of glasses I am not scared to wipe when foggy.

And, as far as cults go... I suppose, we all are a part of some cult. All of our conscious positive decisions start with some enthusiasm which undoubtedly wears off and eventually leaves firm habits behind - whether they are good for us, bad for us, or simply make no damn difference such as whether we wash dishes with a sponge or a towel or which sponge we use to clean the stove. I suppose it's all about what principles we choose as our crutches. I try to change my habit of principle choice to that which will make me less angry at myself and others.

<3,
Eshi

Oh the stupidity of traditional celebration and the mutation of aforementioned.

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 07:46:51 +0100

I just feel terribly stupid. STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!

Let me start from the beginning.

I was invited to my friends house for Xmas celebration evening. This was exciting, and fun, and something to look forward to as I dearly love my friends. So that's that. (Other than that I couldn't care less about the whole Xmas deal). Now -

I took it upon myself to contribute to the dinner and the food offer by making a traditional winter dish my mom used to make every winter (Sarma - cabbage rolls) and Baklava (the walnut pastry thingie - very eastern, often prepared in Croatian homes at holidays - likelihood of the influence of the Turks, but don't take my word for it)...

The Sarma stuff is really (by my rough estimate) not *too* hard on the body as it is mostly cabbage and lean meat (as I cook it without much grease if you don't count 100 grams of large cut smoked bacon which I subtly pick out of my plate anyway), however - BAKLAVA is another story. Bear with me.

On my way back from friends house, I thought about how I've learned to 'celebrate' things as a good little 'tradition follower' - while I might not buy into the religion aspect of the holiday etc, I have come to somewhat accept that people like to celebrate these things and that I shouldn't really take a dump into their punch bowl - but allow somehow that we all rejoice in our differences and be good to each other - which in the end implies - we are good to ourselves as well. (That's at least my somewhat non-crystallized definition of a celebration - when people do something that is really good/rewarding for them in honor of something or as a reward to selves for something etc..)

Now - what prompted this particular thinking path was how the evening went on.

Firstly - half of the guests did not make it to the gathering because they were stuck in bad weather in a bad car - so for the safety of their children they decided to turn around the block and stay at home. Understandable.

This meant I did not get to meet some members of my friends family which I was looking forward to - but it also meant that we had double (if not triple) the food we needed. Fine - I can freeze the leftovers - again, no big deal.

Evening was lovely - we had a blast opening each others presents, everyone seemed happy.

Then - at some point in the evening I quietly realized that we all seem to have made the same classical 'mistake' most people do at holiday dinner days. By the time we got together we must have gone a bit too hungry - because we all ate pretty quickly and got seconds or thirds and took a looong break before any of us actually mentioned the dessert. Again- that was fine with me - as I have realized over the course of the dinner that I am so congested I cannot taste anything anyway so the 'no space for dessert' did not bother me. I took a nibble of some fudge, realized it did not do much for me and I set it aside.
Come the later hour of the evening - I have noticed self trying to figure out a way of how to bend this *fullness* and somehow get that sensation of " I think I'd like something sweet " so that I could say - a-HA! why that is why I made my BAKLAVA! - which I would then offer to smiling loving friends, we would all eat some and be happy together. But - it did not quite happen that way.

I tried to eat a piece and the first bite tasted fantastic. Than - I took an extra fork, and cut a little corner and made my roommate try it. He liked it but was just as full as I was and couldn't eat any more. Than I made my friends try a nibble - they were all too full to combat such a rich dessert. Anyway -

as the evening was getting wrapped up - my friend and I did some leftover trade and I have felt this strange thing....as if I felt guilty for having offered my friend the Baklava because all of the sudden I realized how much damn SUGAR this thing has in it.
Now - both my friend and I are hefty ladies - and from that aspect I know that any notion (in either of our minds) of 'we should not eat this' would readily get stomped by the 'screw it - baklava or no baklava we are in the bananas already - give a piece ' (or something to that note).
But no - it was sort of a lucid moment (or whatever moment) - I have looked down at the pan which was missing only a few pieces (taken away in a doggy bag by my friend's mother who had skipped out a few minutes earlier) and I watched my friends husband take a couple of slices into a plastic dish 'for tomorrow', after which he took a tiny piece just to either satisfy his curiosity or bless his nice self- be considerable towards me for having put all this effort into preparing a load of food that was not consumed. Again - either way - all fine with me. Except -
on the way back home, I have realized what ludicrous thing this 'prepare a special traditional gift of Baklava for my friends' is. I have, actually, under having the programming of 'tradition=good=rewarding=something to be proud of and share' made a dessert which contains over 2 pounds of sugar in one pan (if you don't count the other carbs from Fillo dough used) which is in all actuality a MALLET on the pancreas (+ whatever else health hazard, there are plenty) and aside from a simple little "squirt" of spit in the corners of our mouths and a "mm yummy" confirmation of the entitled-for-yummy ego - does absolutely NOTHING positive for me and my friends and is, in all actuality, something downright poisonous. Not in one dose, but just like I wouldn't toss in a teaspoon of rat poison into their rice, I shouldn't have fed them this either. So, I am totally and without guilt tossing all the Baklava leftovers I brought home with me (as my friends are to make their own decisions - I will not make efforts to convince them of anything - while I *deeply hope* they decide to not eat it and throw it away as well.) No more cooking like this.

Now all this ties into another story of my roommate telling me my recently acquired food habits.

I am really trying to kick back on obviously bad foods and replacing them with protein shakes from HERBALIFE - NOT because I believe HERBALIFE is some miraculous solution to all life's problems - but simply because it factually *does* have the nutrients body needs and I am not willing to stand over the stove making sure I cook 5 kinds of fresh vegetables every day in order to feed this organism..so, to me - it is a brand, a good brand, I checked it, liked it and chose it and I am happy with it. Case closed.

Anyway - my roommate said to me that my positive attitude and enthusiasm for this brand is strange because I seem to have joined a 'cult'. Oh boy do I have plenty to argue on this one... but -

Till next time!
Happy whatever -

Eshi

What do I do with you?

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 01:28:43 +0100

It's been a couple of months since I have posted my last blog on my departure from SL. I have gotten an overwhelming response from people secretly wishing to do the same thing but saying they lack the strength. I have not been identifying myself with Eshi Otawara the avatar and I feel a huge burden lifted off of me. Eshi Otawara trademark (call it that) still exists very much so, and there is stuff being created and signed as by Eshi Otawara. I am simply not addicted to the avatar anymore and my life doesn't revolve around directing a live movie around this particular piece of mesh I called 'self'.

Now, I would not be myself if I did not talk about things honestly. I did relapse a few times and spent a few hours in SL. One time I have made a dress and given it out freely. Another few times I got into SL, I went in to wrap up a project I had forgotten about. Even though I deleted my inventory, some things got back.I got one version of my avatar shape back (less used version), Gritty Kitty Needles hair, glasses, a couple pairs of old time shoes (Shiny Things) and a variety of pointless textures. No dresses of mine survived except for one I had rezzed out on Remedy Sim and forgotten about before I deleted the entire inventory (the fire sculpture-dress from NPIRL Garden of Delights, remember?). I suppose 'inventory loss' works the other way too when you least want it to.

I have been logging into SL on various alts, about 2 times a week to check some role play places out, mainly to kill off an hour before or after RL work but most the time I'd just leave my wireless headset on with music streamed into SL and I'd go clean about the house or fold laundry. SL is still somewhat of a comforting place for me. It's like going into an old neighborhood where I grew up, and it gets equally spooky once I see how much I have moved on from it. Then I log out because I realize over and over each time that being in SL doesn't make the quality of my life any better and all the friends from SL that I have I could probably just call on the damn phone anyway.
I have started painting again. That's good and I am very happy with myself for it.

Eshi is still my RL nickname. Everyone at my new RL work knows me by that name. I chose that because nobody can say my RL name right so this is less annoying - even though today after a coworker called me Eshi I felt it was not me. And than I smiled a little because it felt just about nice to know that my real name is off limits to countless customers that walk in every day. They come in, get their chocolate and a smile, than walk out and I feel like a ghostly hand that has handed them their bag of goodies. It feels good to be a ghost like that. The synthetic glam of Eshi in SL who got notecards and notecards of praise and interview requests is wearing off and I feel strangely good doing a job where a 17 year old high school girl (who, ironically, dreams of some day going to Art School and being an artist) is *my* supervisor not having a split sand grain of interest to ask me what did I do before I got that job. :)

These days I have been asking myself what I really want to do in my life. The truth is - I have no clue. I know I am a good designer and I can come up with things that people like and desire but I am not quite sure what to apply that to at all. A huge part of me wishes that these artistic creation urges would simply die off as they have never existed before and I wake up one morning inclined to do calculus or something more useful. I dream about being needed somewhere so that this pain of the lack of artistic purpose finally goes away. That's it. That's how I feel. I feel utterly not needed. Few exceptions, as always. But generally - that's the origin of my 'I quit!'.

In the grand scheme of things...I don't feel I make any damn difference and it's like stepping on a rake every time I try to step forward. Step - *bang*, bump on the forehead.

So, I hide at this job. For now. For a year...or two...or whatever. I'll just shut up and do it and stick with it. Until or *IF* I re-realize myself and my place in this world. If there is any.

What's With Eshi?

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 23:40:39 +0100

My name is Irena Morris. I am the person who created the avatar Eshi

Otawara and the person who allowed Eshi Otawara to evolve into a part

of my life and - apparently - many other lives. It took just about 3

years to bring Eshi from a no name newbie avatar club employee to Eshi

Otawara the artist, the brand, the dramatic little virtual diva who

not only acquired a sea of friends but even fans. They were 3 exciting

years of evolution with a climax I never imagined possible and many

quirks in-between. Couldn’t have helped those... I’d say they were a

part of the charm.

As the creator of Eshi Otawara and her work, I learned about myself

while I experimented with expressing myself within this environment. I

had started Second Life as a hobby mainly because I was freshly

widowed and needed social contact in a place that protected the real

person, Irena Morris, by keeping her inside a comfort zone.

Second Life allowed me to project myself onto an avatar that, at that

particular time of my life, did not require as much energy and effort

to keep in a socially acceptable psycho-physical shape. I am neither

the first nor the last person to have used Second Life for this

particular purpose, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Second Life provided me with a happy ‘home’ available to me as quickly

as I could hit the ‘log in’ button, and I grew accustomed to that. My

focus was entirely pointed to learning this medium so I could express

this non-verbal part of myself which was apparently in a very

alienated space.

Second Life not only became a great tool for self-expression and a

dream I could modify to my liking, but also a network of great and

amazing people who have wholeheartedly accepted me and helped me to

restore my sense of self-appreciation and willingness to live which I

had misplaced within the darkness of young widowhood.

Many of these people are regularly welcomed into my ‘Real Life’ and

will forever be. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that these

people are ‘real,’ genuine, and that our bonds go beyond wire.

Many invested in me, opened their RL homes for me and without them I

would probably not have been inspired to create nearly as much as I

did in the past years. My Second Life work is something I have built

because of and for these people and their inspiring love for me. What

is now left of my Second Life work serves as a testament not only to

some talent of mine, but also the efforts of a group of people whose

hearts were open enough to have the capacity to experience it, love it

and the willingness to sponsor it, and take care of it when I could

not have – and the passion to use their precious time in order to

introduce more people to it by writing about it, alerting their

groups, taking snapshots and blogging their commentary.

Most of my very close friends know that I have been very unhappy with

having to maintain the ‘Eshi Otawara’ for some time now. All the

effort I had put into this has barely sustained me financially in RL,

but it also pushed me into developing some bad habits that took their

toll: Not sleeping enough, not eating healthily, not painting (which

was my idea of my future at some point), and generally not even having

the urge to change any of that because I have developed a habit of

living as Eshi more so than as Irena.

Eshi doesn’t need exercise to be healthy. She doesn’t need to ‘take

care of herself’ because I do that for her. She needs nothing but

code, power and a computer to exist. She is held by me and I power

her ‘life.’ I made her. But then….who gets to power my life whilst I

am powering hers? I have realized that at some point (not quite sure

when) Eshi Otawara – the character - became more important to me then

the source of her – me. My actions and the way I live my ‘Real Life’

attest to that.

This was just about the time when I literally started gagging upon

logging in - feeling like I am imprisoned within this character that

so greatly depends on things I have absolutely no opportunity to take

part in no matter how hard I try – not even as a stock holder. Second

Life became my dead end – and while I have nothing against it as long

as it can serve some purpose, I feel an excruciating need to get Eshi

Otawara out of this place and claim her back for what she actually is:

My art piece, and just a part of me, albeit an important one, but

still only a part of me, and not my entire identity.

The math of this is very simple and I cannot come up with any more

excuses to keep creating and living virtually as Eshi Otawara. She is

not giving me back proportionally to the time and effort I put in. My

creativity is greatly appreciated which is very humbling – but I have

to put it somewhere where it will actually create something more

sustaining for Irena Morris than ‘oohs’ and ‘aawes’ of binary

stardom.

I believe that if I grab any other ‘job’ with the passion I’ve had for

Second Life, I will become quite happy with myself. That is what I

need. I need to do things which will make me be who I really want to

be – a young girl who wakes up in the morning and has a reason as well

as the ‘balls’ to get dressed, put makeup on, get her hair pretty,

breathe in and confidently step out the door and into the real world

which (with some luck, of course) will be able to pay me back for the

effort with stuff like physical hugs every day, non scripted smiles,

experiences of other human beings as awesomely flawed as they come,

walking in shoes that do get worn out and that do make my feet ache,

the beauty of pain after doing a few hundred sit-ups knowing that they

will actually make a difference in the way I feel about myself as

opposed to wishful waist slider going to the left with a mouse click

in right hand while with the left I am shoving a moon pie into myself

out of frustration over whether I will be able to scratch up 200 bucks

by selling a hundred dresses in Second Life since the economy has

taken the dive.

I will undoubtedly miss staring at Eshi and watching over her

shoulder… watching her blink her pretty little purple eyes with

sparklies in them… and the lashes and the dresses and the hair. I will

miss sending IM’s to my friends about having created something and

asking them to come see it and tell me if it is good or not… All that.

And I absolutely agree that this move was radical and will sadden a

lot of people. Trust me: nobody is sadder than I am, and yes, I could

have left all that I have made free for everyone to have if nothing

just to cushion the separation anxiety (I think I can say this without

coming out as pompous – as I have experienced this separation anxiety

numerous times and I know what it is like to get attached to a build

or an avatar shape in SL). However - this cannot be an option because

all of that is still out there, in a form of, hopefully, uplifting

memories of lovely experiences which I HOPE mean more to people than

textured prims. Very few people have my builds out in the open.

All in all, I feel like I had to put an end to this cold turkey

because I owe myself the training on how to make myself strong enough

to be able to process ‘Real Life’ without seeking refuge within a

virtual world where everything is easier to deal with and where I

immerse myself to the point of losing all impulse to take care of my

RL self.

Who knows... Perhaps once I have created that Real Life I wish to

have, I will come back into some future virtual world and use it again

for some purpose. In order to do this, however, I had to pull Eshi out

of Second Life and release her out into the complicated, turbulent,

scary, damaging, unpredictable and fleeting Real Life. The Eshi in me

deserves that training if she is ever, truly, to become all she is

capable of.

I can only hope that my friends and all of you who are saddened by my

move will be able to reason out that I am not punishing anyone by

doing this, I don’t want to separate myself from any of you nor am I

trying to spit on Second Life in any way. I am not destroying Eshi

out of spite. Au contraire: I only deleted the avatar name from

Second Life to prevent my addicted self from getting stuck with living

my Real Life being habitually satisfied with identifying self as ‘Eshi

Otawara’ of Second Life, while shifting all the passion I should have

for the responsibility towards the body and life of Irena Morris into

the easy fun of being Eshi.

A few more things just to hopefully prevent speculation:

• I am not disappearing from the face of the Earth. My email is :

eshi.otawara@gmail.com

• I have not tragically died and left my legacy to anyone to be in

care of on my behalf.

• There are a few pieces with transfer permissions and there are so

very few that I can name them all. If someone offers you a piece of my

work for a ANY price – especially if it is a build – DO NOT BUY IT

unless you have verified with me first via email that the piece has

not been copybotted.

• I know EVERYONE who has ever purchased my builds and I know exactly

who has what permissions. Don’t let thieves rip you off.

• I have NOT put anyone in charge of anything I have created. If you

notice anyone reselling Eshi Otawara stuff, it is very likely stolen.

Don’t buy it and kindly report it to Linden Lab and to me via email

(eshi.otawara@gmail.com) so I can sure the thieves for the sake of

fairness and other hard working designers in Second Life.

• I didn’t leave in order to return and attempt to create a super

business under another avatar name. This is not a marketing stunt.

• Eshi is gone and will remain gone. Please don’t make it harder on me

than this already is. I have deleted her entire inventory down to the

items in the library. Eshi doesn’t exist even as an avatar shape

anymore. I will not log back in to give or sell people things they

wanted to get/buy simply because the stuff doesn’t exist anymore.

Poof!

The Eshi Otawara name is NOT a Second Life avatar anymore. Eshi

Otawara is an ongoing business concern owned by Irena Morris. If there

is honest opportunity for me in Second Life again – I am still an

artist and I will forever be one – I might hop in as another avatar to

do a job if the offer is decent and if I have the time.

Irena Morris is the creator and there is no need for an avatar starlet

in-between the art and the creator. My email and contact number (who

has it) will remain the same – my website will still be called

eshiotawara.com and everyone is welcome to use those channels to

communicate with me.

Wish me luck in recovery from identification with an avatar. It is

truly something I’ve wished for a long time. 

<3,

Eshi/Irena (read: e-reh-na)