What do I do with you?
Posted by Irena Mandic on Sunday, December 20, 2009
It's been a couple of months since I have posted my last blog on my departure from SL. I have gotten an overwhelming response from people secretly wishing to do the same thing but saying they lack the strength. I have not been identifying myself with Eshi Otawara the avatar and I feel a huge burden lifted off of me. Eshi Otawara trademark (call it that) still exists very much so, and there is stuff being created and signed as by Eshi Otawara. I am simply not addicted to the avatar anymore and my life doesn't revolve around directing a live movie around this particular piece of mesh I called 'self'.
Now, I would not be myself if I did not talk about things honestly. I did relapse a few times and spent a few hours in SL. One time I have made a dress and given it out freely. Another few times I got into SL, I went in to wrap up a project I had forgotten about. Even though I deleted my inventory, some things got back.I got one version of my avatar shape back (less used version), Gritty Kitty Needles hair, glasses, a couple pairs of old time shoes (Shiny Things) and a variety of pointless textures. No dresses of mine survived except for one I had rezzed out on Remedy Sim and forgotten about before I deleted the entire inventory (the fire sculpture-dress from NPIRL Garden of Delights, remember?). I suppose 'inventory loss' works the other way too when you least want it to.
I have been logging into SL on various alts, about 2 times a week to check some role play places out, mainly to kill off an hour before or after RL work but most the time I'd just leave my wireless headset on with music streamed into SL and I'd go clean about the house or fold laundry. SL is still somewhat of a comforting place for me. It's like going into an old neighborhood where I grew up, and it gets equally spooky once I see how much I have moved on from it. Then I log out because I realize over and over each time that being in SL doesn't make the quality of my life any better and all the friends from SL that I have I could probably just call on the damn phone anyway.
I have started painting again. That's good and I am very happy with myself for it.
Eshi is still my RL nickname. Everyone at my new RL work knows me by that name. I chose that because nobody can say my RL name right so this is less annoying - even though today after a coworker called me Eshi I felt it was not me. And than I smiled a little because it felt just about nice to know that my real name is off limits to countless customers that walk in every day. They come in, get their chocolate and a smile, than walk out and I feel like a ghostly hand that has handed them their bag of goodies. It feels good to be a ghost like that. The synthetic glam of Eshi in SL who got notecards and notecards of praise and interview requests is wearing off and I feel strangely good doing a job where a 17 year old high school girl (who, ironically, dreams of some day going to Art School and being an artist) is *my* supervisor not having a split sand grain of interest to ask me what did I do before I got that job. :)
These days I have been asking myself what I really want to do in my life. The truth is - I have no clue. I know I am a good designer and I can come up with things that people like and desire but I am not quite sure what to apply that to at all. A huge part of me wishes that these artistic creation urges would simply die off as they have never existed before and I wake up one morning inclined to do calculus or something more useful. I dream about being needed somewhere so that this pain of the lack of artistic purpose finally goes away. That's it. That's how I feel. I feel utterly not needed. Few exceptions, as always. But generally - that's the origin of my 'I quit!'.
In the grand scheme of things...I don't feel I make any damn difference and it's like stepping on a rake every time I try to step forward. Step - *bang*, bump on the forehead.
So, I hide at this job. For now. For a year...or two...or whatever. I'll just shut up and do it and stick with it. Until or *IF* I re-realize myself and my place in this world. If there is any.
Now, I would not be myself if I did not talk about things honestly. I did relapse a few times and spent a few hours in SL. One time I have made a dress and given it out freely. Another few times I got into SL, I went in to wrap up a project I had forgotten about. Even though I deleted my inventory, some things got back.I got one version of my avatar shape back (less used version), Gritty Kitty Needles hair, glasses, a couple pairs of old time shoes (Shiny Things) and a variety of pointless textures. No dresses of mine survived except for one I had rezzed out on Remedy Sim and forgotten about before I deleted the entire inventory (the fire sculpture-dress from NPIRL Garden of Delights, remember?). I suppose 'inventory loss' works the other way too when you least want it to.
I have been logging into SL on various alts, about 2 times a week to check some role play places out, mainly to kill off an hour before or after RL work but most the time I'd just leave my wireless headset on with music streamed into SL and I'd go clean about the house or fold laundry. SL is still somewhat of a comforting place for me. It's like going into an old neighborhood where I grew up, and it gets equally spooky once I see how much I have moved on from it. Then I log out because I realize over and over each time that being in SL doesn't make the quality of my life any better and all the friends from SL that I have I could probably just call on the damn phone anyway.
I have started painting again. That's good and I am very happy with myself for it.
Eshi is still my RL nickname. Everyone at my new RL work knows me by that name. I chose that because nobody can say my RL name right so this is less annoying - even though today after a coworker called me Eshi I felt it was not me. And than I smiled a little because it felt just about nice to know that my real name is off limits to countless customers that walk in every day. They come in, get their chocolate and a smile, than walk out and I feel like a ghostly hand that has handed them their bag of goodies. It feels good to be a ghost like that. The synthetic glam of Eshi in SL who got notecards and notecards of praise and interview requests is wearing off and I feel strangely good doing a job where a 17 year old high school girl (who, ironically, dreams of some day going to Art School and being an artist) is *my* supervisor not having a split sand grain of interest to ask me what did I do before I got that job. :)
These days I have been asking myself what I really want to do in my life. The truth is - I have no clue. I know I am a good designer and I can come up with things that people like and desire but I am not quite sure what to apply that to at all. A huge part of me wishes that these artistic creation urges would simply die off as they have never existed before and I wake up one morning inclined to do calculus or something more useful. I dream about being needed somewhere so that this pain of the lack of artistic purpose finally goes away. That's it. That's how I feel. I feel utterly not needed. Few exceptions, as always. But generally - that's the origin of my 'I quit!'.
In the grand scheme of things...I don't feel I make any damn difference and it's like stepping on a rake every time I try to step forward. Step - *bang*, bump on the forehead.
So, I hide at this job. For now. For a year...or two...or whatever. I'll just shut up and do it and stick with it. Until or *IF* I re-realize myself and my place in this world. If there is any.
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